L O V E

Love is the fuel of the living. Is there something more powerful than love? Some of us are addicted to it. In a constant search for it. Others are scared of it. Because love can make a wise person act stupid. Go completely blind. Love can make someone’s life. It can be the reason someone wakes up in the morning. It can also be something that breaks someone into a hundred pieces. Is there something as complicated as love?

Love, romance and sex have always fascinated me. It has also scared me at the same time. Growing up as an only child of a single mother, I grew up wanting to be a strong independent woman. I also wanted to feel a love to and from somebody, a love that words couldn’t describe. Don’t we all want that, deep down?

Feeling a love that strong also makes you extremely vulnerable. What when the person you praise and love so dearly betrays you? Or just stops loving you the way you love them? What then? That was part of the reason I was always careful with loving. If I opened my heart, I could experience something magical! If I opened my heart… I could also get it completely shattered.

So I didn’t open my heart at first. I cared, I felt. But did I love them? Was I in love? Nah. It was too early for that. At the same time I wanted saw us building a future together. Wedding, children, all of it! That was my wild fantasy. It was something I visualized and that I knew I’d have one day. Just not with this one. It wasn’t time yet and it wasn’t the right person. They proved that the gut feeling I had about not trusting them 100%  was right. Disappointment and a blow to my ego. I moved on quite quickly.

I met someone who came out of nowhere like a prince, riding on a  silver horse. A man with class, a big heart and an interesting character. With charm, gentleness and respect, he unlocked my heart. He opened it up and the sweetest words I had ever said to someone came out. The excitement of finding the right one made me irrational, emotionally dependent and sensitive. He was my world. The old me would never make anyone my world! Especially not a man. But I had found my prince. He said he had found his princess. The excitement made us rush like there was no tomorrow. The grip we had around each other was suffocating us. The mature happy couple we could have been were run over by nervous kids guided by their emotions. One day, the irrational actions killed us. It made me wake up. Shocked at how I had been acting for those few months, I realized that I was in love. So in love. With the idea. With the fantasy. Not the reality.

I grew stronger. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I became more selfish. Me, myself and I became my world. Though there was a strong male energy in my life. His influence got stronger and stronger. The intelligence and maturity he radiated made me admire him more than anyone else in my circle. Our souls got attached and for a while, it was the most amazing and real love. Fueled by strong attraction between female and male energy, a spiritual connection took place. What I didn’t realize was my sensitivity and vulnerability around men I loved. I was sensitive, gentle and a little bit broken on the inside. However, the dream lived on in my heart. I tried to apply the idea of the previous love to this love. It clashed and it confused me. It disappointed me. I had put a person above me, admired them too much and lost myself. A person who simply didn’t love like me and who wasn’t loved for the right reasons. But it was a love so real and honest, even if it was a slap in the face. I just had to accept that I wasn’t going to be the woman who understood him, that could keep up with him and think like him. I could just accept that it wasn’t going to work romantically and that he wasn’t the right one for me. However, he gave me the most valuable tools to help me work on my defects. I evolved and gained wisdom about love like never before.

After a good amount of time, I stumbled across something. Something called “twin flame love”. I studied the topic as it was something completely new to me. Every time I read about it, I thought of one person. Someone I didn’t picture myself with romantically. At least not consciously. As time passed by, the signs were many. I embarked on a journey with an unknown destination. A love like no other. Hard, soft, strong, sensitive, peaceful, exciting. A person who is just like me or reminds me of myself in the past. Someone who’s energy I’m extra sensitive to. Someone who feels like a part of me. Is this twin flame love? Is it supposed to be romantic? What is the purpose? The questions are many as I observe this thing called twin flame love.

Something I’ve learned from all these experiences is that you can love several times during your life. Every love is different and unique. We shouldn’t grieve failed relationships too long. We should be grateful for the experience of feeling love and making memories with another human being. And always, always be happy in ourselves, by ourselves. Love is the fuel of life and the most trustworthy one is the one we have for ourselves.

Leave a Reply